10 Recent Mysteries of Walford

There was the recent mystery of Priya hauling a large diaper/nappy bag around with her recently everywhere she goes. And the baby is not due for another six months! Got to thinking about a slew of other mysterious events as of late:

1. The Anthony and Zoe coupling. They split up and he left EastEnders three years before she did. She was deeply ensconced in bedding Dirty Den and Dennis Rickman over that time, among many other blokes. She never had "relations" with Dr. Anthony Trueman because she was too young for him, and he refused to take it that far until they were married. She dumped him as quick as can be and moved on. Yet, somehow Josh and Jasmine miraculously appeared, years after Paul disappeared from the show deep into the Scottish Highlands . . . and Zoe had been with a string of other guys since. Absolute TOSH!

2. The lovely Penny's newborn baby is here . . . trouble is, "Ethan" was at least 5 months old when he was delivered. That must have been a painful birth for poor Penny.

3. With the recast Ash soon returning to our screens it must be noted that Suki treated her daughter badly for being a lesbian, and Ash, a doctor, took off to Canada. No sooner had she waved goodbye at the international terminal, for her mother Suki to turn full blown gay. Hmmm.

4. Everyone hanging out and eating a fry up in the caff, after Keanu's body (may he rest in peace) was buried underneath the floor, letting off a rather peculiar smell for months. Most baffling, his sister, Bernie, continued to serve bacon butties and cups of tea, right after they hauled him out of the hole beneath where she was serving it all, and she kept her job. As you do.

5. As we are going there, my head is still spinning as to what happened that Christmas. Linda murdered Keanu but never went to jail, even though every single resident of Albert Square knew she was the killer. (She confessed!) At some point, even Walford plod was told about it. But Nish, (who was about as menacing as a math teacher), and who was also assaulted in this mad Christmas rampage, and took a hit to the head with a bottle of champers courtesy of Denise, decided to take the blame. His reasoning? I'm dying anyway so I'm cool with taking the blame for a murder and spending the short time I have left in prison. Before he was topped off by his son, Ravi, that is. 

6. The scheming evil twin Jasmine, miracle birth of Zoe and Anthony, tormenting her biological mother by setting her house on fire and sending her creepy notes in the mail for months in order to reunite. Cue the father Dr. Trueman, bickering upstairs at the Queen Vic with Zoe, never mind that his character was always mild-mannered and on the straight and narrow throughout all his years on EastEnders. Somehow Jasmine has snuck upstairs at the Queen Vic undetected and decides to kill her father for arguing with Zoe, the very person she has been harassing for months. No calling "999," no screaming for them to stop. Instead she offs him while filming her crime, then runs away and covers it up. The viewers see the big reveal when she visits him in the mortuary and "shows him" the video footage, as you respectfully do to someone who has passed. I found this perturbing, dark, disrespectful and utterly moronic. Fast forward, she gets away with murdering her father by revealing the very same footage she took on her cell phone of her offing her dad to the Walford police, showing it's self-defense, when all the while she was not even involved in the actual argument. A huge KUDOS to Michelle Ryan for publicly burning her scripts on her Instagram account shortly after this storyline aired!

7. EastEnders audiences teased about a sexy love triangle upcoming story hitting our screens. Turned out it was Josh with his ending supply of banana milkshakes (symbolism for what, no one knows!) and ill-advised fashion choices, nutty Jasmine who has previously seen her beau snog another man outside the Minute Mart, and Oscar(!) who is about 7 foot taller than the two fraternal twins. Now cue in the story that the twins don't know the other one is snogging Oscar, and cue in the other story about the twins not knowing the other twin is in Walford or that they are twins to begin with or some other nonsense story. I really can't be bothered. This all culminates in a scene at the park where the three kids are playing catch at the park. This was the triangle love affair. In the words of a very wise woman on Albert Square, Kimberly Fox, "DO ME A FAVOR!"

8. Please. Can someone tell me why Nicola Mitchell is always dressed in orange? Orange jumpsuit, orange dress, orange slacks, orange off the shoulder top, orange onesie. What in the name of Tropicana is going on???!!! (They did the same to poor Tanya Branning, who was forced to wear only red and black--with the occasional forest green ensemble--in every.single.episode. No wonder she left the show to become a fictional detective!)

9. Vicki Fowler. The recast is questionable. But what is most baffling is how every man on the Square is lusting after her. For her mind? Crankiest woman on the planet. Her body? Dowdy beyond her actual years. Unkind, uncool, grouchy, unfriendly, and very badly recast, but 6 foot 2 inch totally ripped real life print and runway model Zack Hudson (aka James Farrar, who won the lottery of life in the looks department), cannot get enough. He cannot stop the lusting after this older lady who barely reaches his waist. Maybe that's the point?  

10. Jasmine and Josh specifically. I just can't get over who thought this would be a good idea. And this was the brilliant Christmas reveal? I canceled my subscription . . . but reconsidered and went back and watched what I had missed during my cancellation. Why I have invested so much time into this program is beyond me. It's because it was really good at one point. Jaw droppingly good, and the last 10-15 years it has descended into a cesspool of--rotting garbage. And I push through hoping for a glimmer of what was once the best storylines, whether they resonated with viewers because they were so realistic and raw. Or because there were funny and irreverent in their day to day life observations. Both takes were great and relatable. 

One example I'll drop here as we have waded through the swamp waters of storyline hell, is when Bianca, so beautifully portrayed by the very talented Patsy Palmer, informs her mum, Carol Jackson (another outstanding actress, one of the very best of all time, Lindsey Coulsen), that her brother Billie has died and Carol walks through the market in a daze to find her way back home to find him. It's as though she is in the world but outside of it, even though no words are spoken. The way this is filmed, in slow motion, fragmented filming, so that the viewer is also caught up in the protagonist's state of mind when trying to reach her son, is both eerie and sublime. The pain, palpable. So many examples of these gems throughout the past but nothing comes close today.

So I continue to watch and wade through this swampy cesspool until clearer waters can prevail. Hopefully soon.