The State of Things: Zoe Slater

Oh dear. What is happening on EastEnders? First, let's get straight to it. Why would Max Branning marry Cindy if he had absolutely no chemistry or romantic interest in her? It wasn't for anything she had, like youth or money, as she has neither and we know who he is. There was absolutely zero chemistry between the pair, leaving viewers baffled as to this strange coupling.

Here's another mystery. Why has Priya suddenly started lumbering around a rather hefty shoulder bag that looks like a diaper/nappy bag? She used to be glamorous and fun, but now turned dowdy during this Max affair. What's in the bag and we is she carting it around everywhere? Who needs diapers? Nugget? 

Let's start from the end. The twins: whatever their names are, I think Jasmine and "Josh." Who, why and where? But mostly, WHY?

Michelle Ryan had scored soap opera gold with her "You ain't my mutha!" storyline when viewership was decent, thanks mainly to lack of streaming services in the early 2000s. Her star ascended. Soon she was in the press, slagging off EastEnders as a good place to learn the trade and move on. 

And move on she did. Straight to Los Angeles, earning millions for a then popular commercial network channel in the US of A, NBC, with her very own primetime show where she was the heroine. She even learned Krav Maga, as I recall, as she was in the local papers constantly about this flagship show.  A show that was being filmed very close to my home at the time. And I could not believe that someone from EastEnders, a show that literally no one had heard of here (before BritBox), was across the road doing high kicks and an American accent as the "Bionic Woman." Too good for rainy Walford and the paltry BBC salary. She was on the up and up. But not for long as this much hyped "Bionic Woman" show fizzled out in only one season, and we never heard from her again. Until now. 

She took the offer to return as Zoe, but the spark was gone. The intensity she had in her 20s was no longer there. She seemed to be going through the motions with very little to no effort. Was this because she no longer had the confidence due to the weight gain or that she hadn't acted in a while, or a combination of that as well as other pressures to earn a living doing what she vowed she would never do again: play Zoe Slater? It was a hard watch.

It did not help that her storyline was tripe. She decided to look for her baby that she had run out on, a newborn son. For weeks, she would look for her cat and mumble stuff about her son. Laughably, the show had her meet Max Branning(!) off set, I think in Spain and start an affair centered around "finding her son." What are the odds? "Of all the gin joints in all the towns" -- Max Branning will be in every town, in every bar, ready to make his move with every family member from Albert Square. Really hard to suspend disbelief. 

Turns out she gave birth to TWO children, one that she was completely unaware of. (Just like her mother Kat, who had Zoe and another baby, a son, that she was unaware of giving birth to, and only met during the filming of "Redwater, " while wearing ill-fitting extensions with Shane Ritchie.)

But I digress. One of the twins comes to look for her at the exact same time she is looking for her son. SPOILER ALERT! These "twins" are offspring spawned through a coupling with Anthony Trueman. That's right. The same Dr. Trueman that dated Zoe but refused to have "special relations" with her as he was a true gentleman. Again, you nailed it (although he didn't!) the same guy that left Walford in 2003; two full years before Zoe left for good. I wasn't aware that a pregnancy could gestate for over 24 months. When did they get together off screen? He was in Scotland and she in Spain. Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't ever recall any talk about these two getting together by any character in EastEnders all these years since. Hmmm, very curious.

But it gets worse. They are now having an argument upstairs and "Jasmine" sneaks upstairs and sees the two bickering . . . and kills her father. This after almost a full year of stalking her mother and setting fire to her home and trolling her. As you do when you want to meet up with your biological mother. 

Cue "Josh." Mincing his way on to the Square. Snogging Oscar, his twin sister's boyfriend, yet neither know that the other is with this clown, nor that they are twins related to each other. And the papers are trying to sell it to us like it's a "sexy" storyline. The three of them? Uhhh...no thank you. Also, who is writing this garbage?

Finally, when all is revealed, Josh has barely a word to share with his mother, nor does Jasmine, and I don't recall any dialogue about this family reuniting. They're more interested in seeing Oscar in the altogether. As you would.

No wonder Michelle Ryan burned all her EastEnders scripts very publicly on her Instagram account recently. I'm actually shocked she didn't burn down the entire EastEnders set, if I'm honest! To go from international fame, and to have to revert to the show you weren't invested in and endure stupid storylines that are an utter farce, and act it out half-heartedly. This is what happens when you ditch your excellent seasoned writers, like Jeff Povey, and add "new" writers and a newby producer with no understanding of complexity of characters, motivation, concept or what resonates with the hardcore fan base, or any random viewer, for that matter.

Personally, I believe Michelle wanted her character Zoe killed off for one reason only: so she would not be recast and her earlier standout work could only be attributed to her. She knew she'd never return after this debacle, but she wasn't going to have someone else play her a few years down the line and erase her out of the picture. Fair play. 

Finally, I think the twins should both have been killed off instead of Zoe. If for no other reason their acting efforts. 

RIP Zoe.